Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.