Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.