Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Happy thanksgiving!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?