Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful