A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.