her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
At least he brought enough for everyone
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.