[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.