The pen is writier than the sword.
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Monday Lisa
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone