Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.