why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
i prefer mine room temperature.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.