“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
wait.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*