The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You Might Also Like
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.