When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents