This trial is so absurd 😭
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE