Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?