I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
They also CAN sing✌️
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too