What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
You Might Also Like
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared