Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.