If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!