Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
This pepper has seen some shit
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.