The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?