*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Shortcut
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.