My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”