“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
#inspiration #foodforthought
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“What?”
– Jude
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?