[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I didn’t come here to be called names
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Hero horse inspires millions
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”