Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Still my favorite television listing of all time: