I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Grandmother clock.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.