e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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Breaking news:
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.