if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table