Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
mmm onion ringos
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
when you are just born a rebel
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”