It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
You Might Also Like
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Note to self: always read the final line
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again