A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
spot the difference
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.