Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
this came to me in a vision
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy