HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
You Might Also Like
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
True statement👍😏😁
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer