20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
You Might Also Like
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.