I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Stop sending me this shit.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.