I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
A woman drives into a bar.
ACED my prostate exam!
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?