Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything