WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
😏😏😏
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?