I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
(2022)
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it