What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section