*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.