When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.