Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
New tinder profile pic
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Wise advice
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app