I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?