I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
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Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.