Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My five year plan is a meteorite
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so