Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.