Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.