I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.